Beauty and the Geek, a la Bollywood

I'm going to do this a little different than I normally do, so as to break the mold a little and make for easier reading. That Aditya Chopra's Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi - coming eight years after Mohabbatein (2000) and more than a decade after his modern classic debut with Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge (1995) - is the year's most anticipated film is no secret. It is also no secret that in these past two weeks alone it has broken about every worldwide record around as far as Hindi films are concerned. But to what extent does the film itself live up to the hype? The question can perhaps best be answered with a classic case of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly...

The Good:

Novelty: An average, working man marries a much younger girl due to unforeseen circumstances and decides upon the best way to win her heart. Since when do Yashraj films even depict the average, working man? Many plus points for this one.
Loveable leads: 1) Shahrukh Khan's Surinder Sahni is incredibly sweet, someone you truly feel for, even if his logic does irritate you at times. He's like that awkward neighbor who meets you in the lift and very politely says 'hello' but never oversteps his boundaries, and 2) Anushka Sharma's Taani, too, is at times tough to understand, but it's nice to see that she is far from the perfect, saccharine heroines we are often accustomed to. You see her lifestyle with Suri, and you just get her and her motives in what she does.
Performances: Shahrukh truly shines as Suri - it's a heartwarming effort from someone who has pretty much tried and tested just about everything. You can see the little bits of improv that were there in a film like Om Shanti Om, not to mention every time Suri looks at Taani, you can almost see the love in his eyes. Anushka is a welcome addition to the plethora of new actresses on the scene. She is mighty cute and charming and never overplays her part, nor is she simply makeshift. She is given a variety of emotions to work with, and she essays the part like a natural, no simple task when you are matched up against Shahrukh in your first film.
Melodious music: It takes a bit of time to grow on you, but seeing the songs on screen make them somewhat irresistible. Haule Haule is an instant favorite, the accordion also making up a significant part of the background music, while Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai is simply lovely. There are only four songs, which help proceedings greatly in a 2 hr 45 minute film.
Choreography: In a film largely centered around dance, they do well to incorporate the dances, as well as elevate the level of skill in the actual sequences. Anushka is a great dancer, although it is the number she is not in - Phir Milenge Chalte Chalte - that stands out as a work of visual art, a fitting tribute to Bollywood heroes/heroines over the years, even if you do sense a major Om Shanti Om hangover.
Beginning and End: The film opens extremely well, setting up a very intriguing journey, and it ends almost equally well. The last half hour really pulls you back in, as emotions run high and you feel you are in familiar Yashraj territory.

The Bad:

Faulty plot: The premise is novel, but the plot is not without its glaring flaws. How Taani cannot see that Raj is Suri's alter-ego is beyond anyone, with even his voice being the same as that of her husband's. Also, the transition Suri makes to Raj is far too immediate, even if he is trying to mimic what he sees in films. It would have been so nice to see some awkward moments of Suri trying to become Raj, figuring out a walk, a way of speaking, interacting, rather than just being him with the snap of a finger.
Shahrukh Khan: How is he both good and bad? If his portrayal of Suri is touching, that of Raj is downright obnoxious. He is too loud and too much of a caricature to even like, let alone love. How Taani can fall for him is anyone's guess, as it is only in Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai that we see any nice gestures from him. Yes, he's a mockery of a lot of on-screen personas that Shahrukh himself has played, but somewhere the joke is lost, and Raj becomes Shahrukh Khan just "playing Shahrukh Khan". And that, my friends, is my most unbiased opinion as an ardent Shahrukh admirer since the time I began watching Hindi films.
Pacing: Dear oh dear does this film drag in the middle. For that wonderful beginning and end, there is a repetitive middle where you aren't really sure what they are going for. Raj is annoying, Suri and Taani hardly interact, and you wonder where the 'extraordinary story in every ordinary jodi' went. The placing of Phir Milenge Chalte Chalte is also as random as they come, and it hardly makes sense why Taani will imagine Raj with other leading ladies rather than herself, not to mention why she imagines Raj as a capable dancer when he has been nothing short of disastrous in front of her.
Sumo Suri?: The entire scene with the sumo wrestler leans more on the absurd side and overstays its (non-existent) welcome. Wasn't there any other extreme activity Suri could have engaged in to make his lady love smile?

I suppose the Good and the Bad should suffice, fortunately it doesn't get too 'ugly'. The main plus point is the film's simplicity, in that there are basically three characters, Shahrukh, Anushka and Vinay Pathak as Suri's best friend and one main storyline. At times it's perhaps too simple, but the best thing about keeping it simple is that people will come out calling it a 'nice' film. So maybe we expect more than 'nice' from Adi Chopra, but let's face it - he is unlikely to recreate DDLJ for as long as his career goes, and not every film he makes will be epic.

Verdict? The love story may not be 'extraordinary', but its jodi is heartwarming enough to justify the price of admission.

It's a 'Daag' all right...

Regressive cinema with a capital R is the best way to summarize Laaga Chunari Mein Daag. Coming from the prestigious Yashraj banner and the maker of a gem like Parineeta, it is only fair for one to expect a polished and thoughtful film. Instead we get a hackneyed and misleading waste of time that goes a step further and actually tries to glamorize prostitution, as if it's just another product for perhaps our cricketers to endorse. Personally, I would gladly opt for Om Shanti Om's blatant Maybelline and Pepsi references (Read: Advertising) any day.

Moreover, the film so brutally deceives you. As any innocent and unsuspecting viewer would, you smile as the film's opening reels introduce you to the playful world of two sisters in Banaras, for once shown to be a colorful and inviting city as opposed to its dull and depressing depictions in recent films like Water and Banaras: A Mystical Love Story.

Cut to a few frames later and suddenly Mumbai gets to play the big bad wolf that devoured the elder sister (Rani Mukherjee) for breakfast. In all fairness, she did appear rather plump and thus fair game, so who is to blame here...the hungry wolf or Ms. Mukherjee's personal trainer?

In other words, to save her family from the brink of losing their home to their own scheming relatives, Rani takes off for the City of Dreams to earn the rupees so that her ailing father will give it a rest already about not having a 'breadwinner' son. Of course, when she lands in the city itself she suddenly realizes that there's not much she could do with no degree, zero English skills and...no place to stay. (What ever happened to think before you act?)

Of course, as we know from the previews, she opts to become a high-end call girl instead. So much for the 18 McDonald's branches that now grace the streets of Mumbai...or even the opportunity to clean bathrooms...or pick up trash...oh hell, with looks like hers, she could just pull a Nisha Kothari and start sleeping with Ram Gopal Varma. At least there's a film career to come out of that.

But no, prostitute it is, and what's more is that she is groomed to do so by her "modern, independent" flatmate. After teaching the naive Rani how to apply that liner, walk those heels and flaunt that Manish Malhotra couture, could the roommate not have just pointed Rani in the direction of a modeling agency? In any case, Family Clueless back in Banaras is thrilled that their oldest is somehow raking in the moolah; little do they know that she escorts old, balding men to a suite in the Taj (although Mama dearest, so nicely played by Jaya Bachchan, has a bit of a hunch and chooses to keep mum and drown her woes in ...stitching petticoats).

Of course, Sister No. 2 (Konkona Sen Sharma) turns out to be quite the smarty-pants and lands a great marketing job in the same exact city where her sister leads her clandestine whorish life. Go figure! Somehow, Sister No. 2 also manages to drop the braid and salwar kameez virtually overnight for layers and a power suit. Yeah...right. She also speaks enough English that you wonder why you never heard it before.

To cut a long story short, all's well that ends well. What else is expected when the director decides to pull a Raj Kumar Hirani and have Abhishek Bachchan waltz in as the angelic, do-gooder a la Lage Raho Munnabhai. (In the process, get ready for the most absurd exchange of dialogue you will ever witness in the history of Hindi cinema...do tell me when you will ever find a man who, upon learning that the woman he so dearly lusts after is actually a prostitute, says: "Until today, I thought I loved you. But after learning this, I love you even more" Good God, Abhishek. Did you not see (or count) the men she slept with? The day such a man exists is the day Salman Khan will get married.

Of course, Konkona is given a far more appealing love angle in the form of Kunal Kapoor, who puts on his best "I wish I was Hrithik Roshan" act and comes up trumps as an endearing and more realistic character.

That Rani, Konkona and Jaya Bachchan play their parts well goes without saying. The three are supremely talented actresses who can pull off virtually anything, but sadly they are undone by the ludicrous concept that surrounds the film.

Yes, prostitution is a huge problem in India (and many other countries at that). It is also true that many girls who enter cities with big hopes are often thrown into it by force, but to show Rani being flown out first-class to Zurich and strutting around in pretty clothing is hardly the face of real prostitution. And for her to get a rishta from a rich and handsome man who knew her for all of 24 hours and decided he would love her regardless of her situation is pure and utter rubbish. To feed that image to young girls and make it an okay "go-to" profession when in need of cash is shameful, to say the least.

The saddest part about the film is that it had all the potential in the world. A quality cast, a capable director (he has to have something if he managed Parineeta, or was that film really in fact ghost directed by Vidhu Vinod Chopra?) and a promising beginning...really, the scenes between the mother and two sisters in the first 20 minutes are both lovely and heart-warming. How it turned into such a mess is anyone's guess.

A poor soundtrack doesn't make the proceedings any easier. Barring the introductory song, Hum To Aise Hain Bhaiya, all other tunes are in that all-irritating Hinglish we pray is just a phase that Maine Pyaar Kyun Kiya should never have started.

On a side note, Abhishek Bachchan can be as politically correct as he pleases and continue to go on record by saying that his marriage to Aishwarya Rai has caused no friction whatsoever in his equation with favorite co-star Rani Mukherjee, but the painful interactions between the two is perhaps the tale of a failed relationship that wifey Rai clearly disapproves of. Never have Abhishek and Rani looked so void of chemistry.

Verdict? Steer clear of this street corner.

Why God Why?

Some films should never be made. They may have all the elements of a good film - a competent director, a reasonably exciting star cast, a couple of catchy tunes and visibly high production values. Nonetheless, I repeat, they should never be made.

Now it is one thing if the script on paper seems like a worthy idea. There are many instances when you watch a not-so-great film and, while you are disappointed with the outcome, you can see how the original plan seemed fine but the execution was flawed.

In the sad case of Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, one can't seem to comprehend how the idea ever seemed appealing to begin with. The film tells the sorry tale of four blithering idiots: Abhishek Bachchan, a smart-talking and good-for-nothing pendu, most commonly found standing around the corners of Southall; Preity Zinta, an absurd and so-called Muslim who simultaneously shouts out in defense of Pakistan and Muslims while also chanting about how she has slept with some ridiculous amount of men; Bobby Deol as a very wooden millionaire who talks in a monotone, clearly reading from the script voice; and Lara Dutta, a French/Indian hotel manager whom it is difficult to understand more than half the time.

Ah yes, there is also Amitabh Bachchan as a horrendously-clad gypsy of some sort - you know, the kind your parents once told you to avoid at all costs? The very sight of him in this film is shocking and frankly, completely unnecessary.

Maybe the characters are somewhat unique, but they are for the most part incoherent and intolerable. The first half of the film - where Abhishek and Preity are telling one another about their (not-so) respectable love interests - is downright unbearable. You almost contemplate switching the film off, but something inside of you wonders if it could possibly get better. Instead, the story goes no where and instead you encounter a 30-minute dance marathon with the same title song reappearing for a second and third outing in this blasphemous enterprise.

One would hope the star quality would lift the film, but the performances leave much to be desired. Abhishek tries very hard, but it's not some fantastic role that can lift the film from the dumps in which it resides. Bobby is a poor excuse of an actor in the first half, but his Mama's boy routine in the second half is far more appreciated. Preity is loud, obnoxious and Botox-ed like there is no tomorrow. It's sad, really, given one of her better performances just came last summer in the form of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna, but it seems that was nothing short of a diamond in the rough. Lara somehow manages to speak in French-accented Hindi and sound plausible - sadly, the act itself is so irritating that it overbears her effort. She's done quite well in the film, but once again - no single actor is about to salvage this disaster.

The music consists of the same song, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, in three forms. The best two are those showcased in the dance contest - JBJ and Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. Bol Na Halke Halke is a very nice song, but the entire sequence involving the song is completely nonsensical and one of the worst attempts at triggering romance in a Hindi film. The less said about songs like Ticket to Hollywood and Kiss of Love, the better. The titles themselves say enough.

The biggest question mark in the film? Shaad Ali. For someone who made his directorial debut with Saathiya, something that was unique, consistent, laden with fine performances and, of course, a musical gem, Shaad has certainly catapulted into an almost B-grade venture. There was an all right Bunty Aur Babli in the middle, thanks to the charm of Abhishek and Rani, again a fun musical score and, barring the climax, an enjoyable ride. Yet how the same director could create such a massacre will perhaps remain the unsolved mystery of his career.

Verdict? Don't even THINK about it.